Mother's jokes

What does a mother fear most?

Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.

Daughter: Mommy, what ever happened to Steven Hawking?

Mother: He died.

Daughter: How did he die?

Mother: He never got recharged.

If Germany is the father land, and Russia is the mother land, would WWII just be domestic violence?

Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.

Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"

Why do cat orphans watch sci-fi movies?

Because they won't understand what the mother ship is.

There was an Indian riding in the desert when he saw a little blond-haired white girl up ahead. He heard her crying. So he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her, "Hey, what’s going on? Why are you crying? Where are your parents? What happened?"

The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The bandidos came, killed my father, my brothers, then my mother, and raped my sister."

The Indian just laughed, untied and dropped his breechcloth, then said, “Guess this isn’t your day, is it?”

One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".

The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."

"Go frick a cow!"

"I already fricked your mother."

While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.

We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.

Doin your mom doin doin your mom

You know we straight with doin your mom

I'm doin your mom. Yes yours!

I first saw her in the Wal-Mart pickin out your drawers.

Big Dolly Parton hair like an 80s prom queen

But her ass was lookin' good all up in those mom-jeans.

I approached her in the checkout line, and said yo baby wassup?

She had two gallons of milk, and I was starin' at her jugs.

Five minutes later she agreed to get with me

So we went and rocked the minivan like Giggity. Giggity. Giggity.

I was ridin' your mom like she was Mario Kart.

I gave her a lift back to her crib cause her car wouldn't start.

She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again.

How many times I tap that ass? OVER 9000!

Yeah. She called me Pledge cause I knocked the dust off it.

She later made me a sandwich and she cut the crust off it.

Cause she knows how I like it, and that I'm a little young

To be in the bed, butt-naked doin your mom.

Doin your mom doin doin your mom

You know we straight with doin your mom

I like your mama's big butt, and I cannot lie.

You other brothers can't deny that she's fly.

We make sexy time, yes and every night I tap that.

She saw me butt-naked, now she thinks I'm half black.

But your moms the best, the super M.I.L.F.

Cause she loves to toss the salad even though she ain't a chef

And I blame it on the al-al-al-cohol

But If I were you, I wouldn't kiss your mom on the mouth at all.

She likes the Donkey-Punch. She likes the Dirty Sanchez.

Sometimes she even likes to fool around in your bed.

She likes rough sex with handcuffs and I'll be honest

She likes me to Chris Brown her when she acts like Rihanna.

She's so therapeutic. When I need to cure my restlessness

I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your moms breastestess.

I didn't wanna tell you, but I had to write this song

Cause I'm in your house every night doin your mo-om.

Doin your mom doin doin your mom

You know we straight with doin your mom

I'm havin' sex with your mother

That makes me better than you.

I'm havin' sex with your mother

That makes me better than you.

Q: What type of mother gives their daughter sperm? A: A furry mother.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?

She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

Why can’t an orphan celebrate Father’s Day and Mother’s Day? Because they have no parents.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.

Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.

Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.

But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.

Three nuns had to go before Mother Superior. The first one goes up to her and she says, "Have you sinned?" "Yes, I have, Mother. I have stolen a bicycle." Okay, said Mother Superior. "Say 100 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water." Up comes nun number two and she says she has sinned. "She slept with a married man." So Mother Superior says, "Okay, say 500 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water and go on your way." The third nun comes up and she says, "I peed in the holy water!" 🤣😂🤣😂😁😁🌈

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.

Puerto Rican teen: I'm a waste, a failure, NUNCA LO PODRA ASER (I'll never be able to do it).

The mother: AI NINO (OH CHILD).

The teen: QUE? (WHAT?)

The mother: NO TE PONGA CON ESTA MIELDA OTRAVES! (DON'T START WITH THIS SHIT AGAIN!)

The teen: I CAN'T DO SHIT RIGHT MAMA!

The mother: OOOHHH YEAH WELL TU SI PUEDES ABLAR MIELDA DE TI, I BOTAR BASURA! (YOU SURE CAN TALK CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF AND THROW OUT THE TRASH.)

The teen: QUAL (WHICH).

The mother: MADRE DE DIOS (MOTHER OF GOD).

The teen: AVIA UNA NEGRA I OTRA BLANKA (THERE WAS A BLACK ONE AND WHITE ONE).

*A phone buzzes.*

The teen: Whose phone is that, ma?

Unknown: MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU TAKE AWAY THE CONFEDERATE FLAG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE ARE?

*Runs to bag, opens white one and sticks hand in.*

The teen: HAIR GEL

So there were three baby chickens and two mothers. The first baby said, "Why am I named Calf?"

And the mother said, "I f***ed a cow."

Then the second baby came up to its mother, and it said, "Why am I named B***h?"

And its mom said, "I f***ed a wolf."

And the final baby came to its mother and said, "Why am I named Orphan?" And because its mother wasn't there to see it, this is what I have to say: "Because you are one, you ducking hitch!!"

Why did the orphan cross the road? They thought they saw their mother.

Little Johnny walks into the living room and asks his parents, "Mom, Dad, what do you get when you crossbreed a bulldog and shih tzu?"

The mother and father shrug and say, "We have no idea, Johnny. What do you get?" and little Johnny replies, "You get a bullshit."