Three men die the same time and I'll go to heaven to go find St Peter St Peter says to them is going to be a long journey to heaven so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives we'll start with you Michael since you were quite the womanizer you and cheating on your on your wife multiple times you will be getting a Toyota the man embarrassed left in the Toyota Nolan you you were better you cheated on your wife twice so I will give you a Mercedes now for now as for you mark you never cheated on your wife you are an absolute saint so I will be giving you a Lamborghini and the Man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car and he and the Man in the Toyota what the hell is going on and the Man in the Lamborghini says I was through streets of Heaven and so my wife riding in roller skates
Teenager: OMG, I’m prego, my moms gonna kill me Baby: Lmao, same
I went on a walk last night with a really hot girl. Then she noticed me and we went for a run.
They say give a man an inch he'll take a mile what about women they don't have Dick's
Man: how tall is a penguin?
Bartender: about three foot why?
Man: o shit the Bible bashing nuns I fucking hit one
Poor car
I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.
A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?".The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off.".
I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started she said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked my dad he said it all started with Adam and Eve so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣
I love eating pussy that’s why the animal shelter is always my go to for a good meal
Hi I’m cool
Rose's are red lemons are sour spread your legs give me an hour
I like my women the way I like my coffee and I don't drink coffee
Rose's are red my cum is blue I'll wait till your asleep to rape you
I screamed janga today when watching the 9/11 documentary
I was sitting at a bench at the park and saw a lady she asked which kid is mine and I responded I haven't decided yet
Daddy I really miss you mummy changed my name to tickle timpson anyway daddy I forgive you for abusing me
A bomb is like a baby when you drop it everyone screams
My wife called me a pedo that's a big word for a 6 year old
I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike I just collect body parts
Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J," Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter " go bye your self something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice," they both look at craig as he pulls out a letter. craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THER BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throughs down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"
