Mom's jokes

Why can’t orphans eat at a family restaurant? Because they don’t have a mom or dad.

So a kid was hanging out with his mom and this man comes up to him and said, "Hi, I'm your new dad." The kid did not think about it, and then he did and said, "But I already have a dad." The mom said, "That was not your real dad."

"When your mom is pregnant and your best friend learns dad jokes."

Me:.....

When you say, "I wish I could cut off these bumps on my neck." (Your mom walking to you with a knife.)

When your mom says it will all be ok if you just......... *there is blood on the floor*

My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."

I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.

Why do orphans have water in cereal?

Because mom was never around to produce milk.

I went to the orphanage and yelled "your mama" jokes.

From your mom.

What did the mom tell her son when he asked for a bowl of cereal? "Sorry your dad wasn't came back with the milk yet."

Your mom is heavier than Mariah can even carry.

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

Mom! Mom! The class called me an orphan.

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

Mom: You will make me kill myself.

Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

You're so ugly your mom said, "I want an abortion."

I fucked your mom.

Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.

Why does the orphan eat water with cereal?

Mom forgot to come back with the milk.