Miscellaneous jokes
What do you call vampire Matt Damon?
Bat Damon!
What’s 12 inches and is moist inside?
My record holding cucumbers, locally grown at my farm.
I don't have a joke about Christianity.
I don't want to get crucified.
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."
"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
Penis.
How do you saw an apple with no mouth?
A P P L E
Do you want to go to the pool?
Yes? Well, water you waiting for?
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your way into someone's pants.
Chuck: Do you have holes in your underpants?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Chuck: Then how do you get your feet through?
Did you hear about the boy who sat under a cow?
He got a pat on the head.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain. "Quick, let's swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!"
What do you get if you cross a zebra and a donkey?
Zeedonk.
"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.
"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"
What's the name for a short legged tramp?
A low-down bum.
What's the difference between a square peg in a round hole and a kilo of lard?
One's a good lot of fat; the other's a fat lot of good.
What's the difference between a boring teacher and a boring book?
You can shut the book up.
What is the difference between a man peering through the key hole and a woman in the bath?
One is rude and nosy; the other is rude and nosy.
Mary Rose sat on a pin. Mary Rose!
Donald Trump.
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
'Cause she's a woman.
No, really. Why can't she drive?
Because she died.