ME jokes

The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.

Why did your mum touch me? Because she was a pedo.

Why did I shoot my dog?

Because it pissed me offff! Ahhhhhahahahahahahahahaha! 👌👌😎

Which country makes me crack the fuck up?

LAUGHghanistan.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

All these jokes make me laugh to death 💀.

What is an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*

Jimmy: Your mom is gay.

Me: No, you.

Jimmy: I have no mom.

I accidentally bumped into a midget yesterday.

Me: "Are you ok sir?"

Midget: "Well, I'm not happy."

Me: "Well, which one are ya?"

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”

These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.

Boy: Spell ME.

Girl: M-E.

Boy: You forgot the D.

Girl: There is no D in ME.

Boy: Not yet.

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

Your mum is so fat Les Dawson would agree with me that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand, she throws it.

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.

Normal girl stating her opinion.

My name is Jade Harris. I don’t know if you guys know it, but “rape” jokes are really starting to get sexist and could lead to people getting raped. IT IS MY OPINION PEOPLE DON’T HATE ME! 😡. People are talking about how men are better than women, but men and women are both good. Someone posted about how they hate the media being about women and other bull crap, but fuck it, I hate the media being about both genders. And people sound like fucking rapists here!!! Some boy did story time and then said women are weak and I can rape a women if I feel like it and shit! But no one knows what it feels like to be a women? Only women do. 😠. Women have to have kids with men of course, but it is hard to be a like that. 1. We grow up just the same as men, and men don’t always get judged for dressing except for that stupid pants were we can see your underwear shit, which is pt style. Women are the ones who pay the bills, lose half of there energy and MOST of the time take care of the kids and work for a living men do too. But women get raped and harassed and molested and sexual assaulted/battery/abuse, and when a women wants to dress up how she feels she gets slut shamed for it. So really being a women is harder will being both genders are. Facts!!!