ME jokes
My mom told me that Africans don't have food, so I shipped my fat-ass brother.
I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.
So people call me poor until they see my bank account.
My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."
My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.
Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.
Get the whip, you're out!
You hear that? That’s the sound of me not caring.
One day my dog died because we couldn't find him. Then we got a cat on the same day. Then my cat went missing, and when I was crying, we heard our Asian neighbor was having a party. Then we went over and I saw my dog and cat on the grill, and they ate them in front of me, saying "yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well."
How many people fit in a tree?
I don't know, you tell me.
Me going to jail for telling the orphan he has 363 days because mothers and Father’s Day.
Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?
Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.
Do you want to know what gifts God gave me?
He didn't give me any.
I was made by the Devil.
My dick was in the book of world records.
But then the librarian asked me to take it out.
What's the difference between me and a registered sex offender?
I am not registered.
Friend: Hi!
Me: Who are you?
Friend: ...your friend?
Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.
Nobody: Aww, that's so sad!
Me: Just like me.
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
I gave Helen Keller an Oculus and AirPods for her 12th birthday, and she hated them and me.
My crush rejected me 2 years ago, and I still have never moved on. I'll be over her when a train is over me.
My mom gives me your stuff because you have bad grades.
Me: How about my 5 little brothers? I have A's; he has F's.
She lets him play anyway and I don't.
When my bro says "YOUR MOM" when I'm talking when I'm at school, and my friend says "YOUR MOM," me punches him;-;