ME jokes

I’m not funny! Please do not laugh at my jokes! But do check them out, they’re very unpredictable. Read them, do not laugh, they’re jokes, do not laugh at them!

Someone: hah- Me: NO DON’T YOU DARE!😠😠

Me: What do we need from there? I have a few things to do before I head out to the store, and then I will be home to pick up the stuff.

Random person: What stuff? 🤨

Me: What?

The person: You said you’re going to pick up “the stuff”!!! What do you mean by that?!

Me: Colourful flamingo fart.

The doctor told me I'm color blind...

Me: That's out of the purple!

Me: Wanna play a game?

Sister: Ya, what is it?

Me: Tic tac toe.

Sister:?

Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.

Me: Tic tac toe.

What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?

We're both blind.

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

Girl: I’m so in love with you!

Boy: Me too. I think you’re abcdefghijk: aesthetic, beautiful, cool, determined, elegant, famous, hot.

Girl: What’s the ijk?

Boy: I’m just kidding.

Yo mama's so fat, it took me two buses and a train to get to her good side.

What happened when a kid bullied an orphan?

The orphan said, "I’m going to tell my mom!"

Bully: "I wanna see your mom!"

Narrator: At that moment, he knew he messed up.

This was my friend's joke he wanted me to post;)

You can't see me, but when I smile, you can.

Me going to jail after telling the orphan he can't learn about ancient Egypt because he don't know what a mummy is.

For some reason a group of emo kids are following me because I gave them a Happy Meal.

Me die.

Me: Hey! Look at my drawing of deez!

My babysitter: Very nice! But, uh, what’s deez?

Me: (¬‿¬)

What did John Cena say to the blind kid? "You can't see me."

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

I snorted a line of coke off my 8-year-old sister’s tiny prepubescent vag. She just laid there and let me do it without complaining, probably because she was already dead.

Me: Breathe right now if you wanna date me.

Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.