ME jokes

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."

Repeat after me: Die angle; die angle; sweetie. Angels don't die! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Repeat after me: shut up; shut up; I don’t shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

What is Michael Jackson's favorite phrase to parents of boys? "Leave me alone!"

I'm dyslexic. My sister was reading, "What's the book?" I asked. She showed me the cover. "You reading 'The Scared Bull'?" I asked. She started laughing. "No, 'The Sacred Bull'!"

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

Is it me, or was 9/11 too plane? I thought it would be more exciting.

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.

Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.

Kid: Which were me, are your parents?

Orphan: What are parents?

Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My pp was in the Guinness World Record book.

The librarian then asked me to take it out.

My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?

My sister is so ugly that she had to have a child with me to keep the family tree going.

So one time I was with my girlfriend, crazy, right? But we were doing a TikTok eye follow challenge, and she pulled up a pic of Gwen Stacy from Into the Spider-Verse, and I looked somewhere I shouldn’t have, and she smacked me, and I changed to the Rock, and you know where she looked? WTF, right in the no-no square, and since she was a girl, all I could do was sit back and watch.

What did the blonde say when I told a rape joke?

"Can you show me what rape is?"

The amount of women judging me for raping a poor lady is terrible. You weren't there. You don't know!