ME jokes

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My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

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    • Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.

    Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.

    The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"

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    • Kid 1: "Fortnite is good and Brawl Stars sucks!"

    Me: Wow, I didn't know you were dyslexic.

    Did you know that statistically, 1 in 10 people live next to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old boy with a fat ass.

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    • One day me and my friend Howard the duck went into the bar. I ordered a drink. Howard told the waiter to put it on his... BILL.

    There once were 3 men on an airplane and one bit into an apple and said, "This is disgusting!" and threw it out the window. The 2nd man bit into a banana and said, "This is rotten!" and he threw it out the window. The 3rd man bit into a bomb and screamed, "ALL MY TEETH FELL OUT!" and he threw it out the window.

    Meanwhile, on the ground, a police officer was walking and he saw a kid crying and he went up to him and asked him why he was crying. He replied, "An apple came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The police officer said, "That is weird," and kept on walking. Then he saw another kid crying and the police officer asked, "Why are you crying?" and he answered, "A banana came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The officer said, "This has been a strange day." Then he sees a kid laughing and he asked why he was laughing and he said, while he was laughing, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"

    An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.

    The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.

    The man asks, "Is it your first time?"

    The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."

    I was working at the bank today when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance.

    So I pushed her over.

    Me and my mom order Chinese food.

    My mom grabs the egg roll and starts licking it up and down and sucking on it in front of the Chinese delivery guy. I said, "Why are you doing that?" Then my mom says, "I love him a long time so we don't have to pay for the food."

    Two hunters are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and Hunter #1 dials 911.

    Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

    Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods, fell asleep."

    Operator: "Check if he's/she's (not assuming genders) dead."

    *Operator hears a distant gunshot*

    Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"