ME jokes
My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.
Friend: Hey, wanna play hide and seek? Me: Sure, I've got a great spot! Me: *grabs knife and runs to my closet*
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
Bully: Your mom gay.
Me: There's something on your chin.
Bully: Where?
Me: No, on your fourth one.
Me: Imagine not having hair.
Kids: On chemo.
Bitch the fuck.
I was in the bank one day, and this old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
What do you call a depressed person?
Me.
Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.
Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"
What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?
I know how to use an exercise band.
Two cunts were walking down the street.
One was doing calculus, and the other one says, "Imagine me, a stupid cunt that can talk...."
I saw a lady in a bikini on the beach, so I walked up to her and said, "LET ME STICK MY DICK UP YOUR BIG ASS!"
Orphan: "I want to be a superhero."
Me: "You should be Batman."
Also me: *starts laughing* because Batman doesn't have parents...
Somebody told me to go to hell, so I walked up to Donald Trump.
Armless child: Can you give me a hand??
Me: Ok.
Wanna me to show you a joke?
*Points at face* Funny, right?
What do you call an orphan's family reunion? "Me time."
Why can’t I drive? 'Cuz my dad never showed me how, yet.
I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?
If I was going to the doctor, he asked me to turn around, and he stuck a nettle in my ass.
Knob Klondike, I want Ellen. Poobiess, please. I want big juicy pobs in me right now. Ellen girl, give milk boob to me with good Pochyy, babie.