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Me: I have an arrow in my head.

My friend: What's the point of that?

Me: Of the arrow?

Friend: No!

Me: Probably the flint.

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

Little Johnny is walking in the hallway and goes in his brother's room and catches him watching something, so he asks, "What you watching?" His brother replies, "Nothing," and drops his phone. But then he gets a text from his teacher, who texted him a picture of her naked, saying, "After school come fuck me." So Johnny looks and says, "Ew, I'm telling Mom," and he ran with his brother's phone and showed his mom, and his mom said, "Ok, Johnny, I'll take care of you brother," and she told him to leave, and he did.

And his brother ran in his mom's room naked, and his mom said, "Oh, that's big. How about you do what your teacher told you to do to her, to me?" And a few hours later, Johnny heard weird noises coming from the room, so he walked in and saw them (his brother and mom) having sex, so he closed the door and walked away.

  • 1

    • I am only here because me no like Blues Clues LGBTQ episode as I don’t believe in that. If you do, ok.

    And it shouldn’t be a month, the month should be for all of the war veterans, it should be a day for pride. Companies only use this month for money; it’s exploitation because they don’t truly support, unlike me, in which I don’t support it.

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    • Friend (Evan): Did you do some dumb shit?

    Me: Hell yeah.

    Friend (Evan): Did you get us both in trouble?

    Me: Hell yeah.

    Friend (Evan): Will I still help you because you are my best friend?

    Both: FUCK YEAH!

    My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

    Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

    My friends:

    Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.

    Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.

    Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.

    Me: You guys are getting sleep...

    When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

    Me: *Calls friend* "Dude, I just fell off a 50-foot ladder!"

    Friend: "Bro, you ok?!"

    Me: "Yeah, lucky I only fell off the first step!"

    A woman goes to buy a parrot.

    There is one for 200, 500, and one for 15 bucks.

    She asks why the last one is so cheap.

    The man at the counter says, "It used to live in a brothel/sex house."

    The lady buys it anyway.

    When she gets home, it says, "Fuck me, a new brothel!"

    When her daughters get home, it says, "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!"

    When the father gets home, the parrot says, "Fuck me, Daryl, haven't seen you in the brothel in weeks!"

    Me: I named my dog Five Miles so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.

    Old man: I ran over five miles today.

    My teacher asks all of us in class, "What is your favorite thing in the world?"

    Josh: Cookies.

    Jacob: My parents.

    Erika: My Friends!

    Brody: Lamborghinis.

    Me: Pulling over in a car in the middle of nowhere at night with my girlfriend and getting in the back seat where the magic happens... ;-)

    My Teacher: Ok, everyone that was all good...WAIT A DANG SECOND!

    *Everyone Looks at Me With A Weird Face....

    I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater. You said it looked better on me than it did you. Only if you knew how much I liked you. But I watch your eyes as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes, Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were Heather. Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand. Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder. But how could I hate her, she's such an angel. But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes. Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. I wish I were Heather. Oh, I wish I were Heather. Oh, oh, wish I were Heather. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were-

    The person I hate: Omg, my mom and dad just died.

    Me: Omg, I am so sorry, don't worry.

    The person I hate: I have a boyfriend.

    Me: Well, I have a mom and dad.

    The person I hate: Rood.

    Me: Shut up.