Many

Many Jokes

Calendar

A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."

Russian

Russians think they are tougher than Americans. Here are some reasons for the Russians out here reading this:

1. USA was NEVER invaded!

2. USA never commits as many war crimes as Russia does!

3. USA made the first nuclear weapon so yeah shove that up your ass, Russians!

4. Our soldiers don’t rape kids.

5. We have more allies than you.

6. We are smaller but stronger.

7. Random civilians in the USA have stronger guns than Russian military does!

Man

A man found out that he was going to die.

A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"

Then he died and learned how to say no in German....

Wheel

Why did the wheel fall?

Because there were too many fat people on it.

Police Officer

How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for it being black.

Apple

If you have 20 apples and you ate 2, how many do you have left?

0 because you have 20 and take away 2, you have 0 left.

Cow

There were 32 cows. Twenty-eight chickens. How many were there?

There were 32 cows. Twenty ate chickens. How many were there?

Gangster

How many gangsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

35! Do you have a problem with that?

Alphabet

Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?

That one friend: 11 - T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

Ghost

Person 1: How smart are you?

Person 2: Really smart.

Person 1: Ok. If you have 3 ghosts and take away 2, how many are left?

Person 2: 1 ghost is left.

Person 1: Wrong! 0 ghosts are left because ghosts don't exist!

Orphan

So dark.

Many jokes about orphans.

God, this is the second worst thing to happen to these orphans!

Buck

One man said, "Do you need 20 bucks?"

The other said, "Do you have that many?"

Text

BREAKING NEWS

All the desert regions in the world are now considered lush rainforests. They house many different species of life and have significantly helped with the constant carbon dioxide emissions.

The reason why is because... Your texts are so dry.

Booty

Why couldn’t the booty be on social media?

It had too many FOLLOWERS behind it.

Baseball

My cousin really loves baseball.

He always brags about how many home runs he hit in the minors.

Hooker

How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.

Parsley

You’ll parsley believe how many puns I have. Hopefully your funny-bone isn’t broken because these are real rib-ticklers.