Man jokes
A man walks into a library.
Man: "Hello ma'am, do you know where I can find a book on suicide?"
Librarian: "Do you know about our return policy?"
Suicidal Man: ...
Librarian: ...
The Woman checking out a book: "WHAT THE FUCK?"
What's the smallest stick in the world?
Your man's dick.
What's the definition of rude?
Sticking a blind man in a corner and telling him to find his wife.
A drunk walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that douchebag a drink."
The bartender says, "You can't talk like that! This is a respectable establishment, I'm going to throw you out!"
The drunk says, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'd like to buy the lady a drink."
The bartender goes to where the woman is sitting and says, "The, ah, gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, what will it be?"
She says, "Vinegar and water."
One time a man climbed a mountain and saw a guy.
"Who are you?"
"I am mountain man!"
What does the man cheeseburger say to the girl cheeseburger?
“You got nice buns!”
A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Why do many New Yorkers like watching Spider-Man?
Because he’s always on the webcast.
What rock has four men that don't sing?
One Direction.
Americans are so fat that they named an atom bomb "Fat Man" to describe themselves.
What YouTube channel did Mt. Fuji subscribe to? Chrissy Man.
My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."
What did the man say to the girl?
You just milked a cow.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What does your mum have in common with your dad?
They are both men.
What did the orphan say to the crippled man?
I suffer from crippling depression.
Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."
People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."
This man walks into a bar and says, "How do I get service here?"
The assistant bar attendant tells him to take a seat as the bartender will be there to serve him shortly. After 2 minutes, the man says this is ridiculous, that he has to wait. The assistant then offers him a bar snack of free nuts, which the man duly eats. Another 2 minutes go by, and the man then says, "OK, I get it, no service of beer, but free nuts," to which the assistant says, "Hell no, the game starts in 10 minutes." Everyone laughs and claps.
A man was at the temperature -273.15°C. He was OK.
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.
The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."