Make jokes

What’s the difference between an onion and a photo of a dead relative? Nothing, they both make you cry when you look at it.

I'd make an emo joke, but that would be cutting a little too close.

How do you get a woman to give head? Force it down her throat and hold the back of her head. Make her gag for a little and then pull out. Do this over and over for 30 seconds or so. If she doesn't open up, choke her and force her mouth open.

Woman aren't human anyways... lol.

I hate when people make jokes about the Twin Towers.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

We need to stop making jokes about orphans. They will tell their parents. Oh wait...

If two eagles make a baby and two sparrows make a baby, what makes no baby?

Two swallows.

Yo mama so slow, she took nine months to make the joke. Thank god mine only took 6.

Don't make fun of the emo kid, or he's gonna bring his friends and you gotta fight the Suicide Squad.

Q: What do the St. Louis Rams and Billy Graham have in common?

A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ.”

What do you call a mushroom that makes music?

A decomposer.

This is why orphans are dangerous with cardboard. They either start eating it or making it into a house and hallucinating that they have a family.

So I threw out the cardboard and said, "You have to stay in reality. Fantasies aren't real. You can't and will never get a home."

Next day, they make cardboard parents, so I threw that away and said, "Pay attention to reality; you will never get parents."

Next day, they start acting like parents and tell me what to do. Again, I said, "Snap to reality. You will never be a parent!" The orphan responded with, "Oh, really?! How so?" I just simply said, "You don't have a house and parents. You literally like eating cardboard, and then you make parents out of it. You like to eat old people!"

How do you make a juggler laugh? You tickle his balls.

If you’re gonna have a gangbang, make it extreme!

How did Stephen Hawking make it up the stairway to heaven?

Well, he didn’t; they invented an elevator.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

I’d make a rape joke, but I don't wanna force that on you too.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

I thought about making a necrophilia joke, but I knew it would be a DOA.

Q: The person who makes it doesn't say what it is.

The person who receives it doesn't know what it is.

The person who knows what it is doesn't want it.

What am I?

A: A baby.

How do you make a handkerchief dance?

You put a little boogie in it.