Longing jokes
So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
A girl walks up to her blind friend who she had not seen in a while and says: "Long time no see!"
Your hairline is so long that Odell Beckham Jr. missed a catch and saw your hairline from a mile away!
What's the difference between a Chinese person and an old person?
One lasts long and another doesn't.
How it be when the new guy takes too long...
Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.
Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.
Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.
Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.
Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.
What do you call it when a prostitute pays someone 5 bucks to fuck them?
5 dollar footlongs.
Yo mama so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!
Can you tell me the real answer to this joke?
What do you call a drone that takes the long way around?
What is 14 inches long and starts with D?
A Dookie From GREEN DAY
Why did the cookie cry?
Because its mom was a wafer too long!
Yo mama so fat, when she talks to herself, it’s a long-distance call.
Freshman: Hey, what's better, Ford or Chevy?
Senior: I don't f**kin' care as long as it drives.
Freshman: So, I'm guessing it's Chevy?
What kind of shirts does Sally's parents get her?
Long sleeves.
Nothing lasts long these days!
As Confucius says, "Hare today, gone tomorrow!"
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
R2 Detour.
Guess what's "tiiiimmeeeee ABDE?"
....yes, it is "long time no see."
The two brothers were sitting next to each other. They played with planes all day long. They got too violent, and now their sister (World Trade Center) stands there. The brothers were put up for adoption, and the planes were given back to their owners.
What did one plane say to the other?
"It’s been a long day, I’m ready to crash."
Other plane: "No you’re not, we haven’t even gotten high yet!"
What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?
A seatbelt.