My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."
I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)
Why are gay people bad at hide and seek?
Because they're always coming out of the closet.
If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!
What's a cannibal's favorite place?
A day care.
What would you call a gay man's couch? A Homo Sectional.
If you ever had your nipple ripped off by a possum, you might be a redneck...
I'm a recovering cake addict.
Zozo the hobo is single like a Pringle.
Single like a Pringle, and he loves Pringle's, get it?
Why did the hobo cross the road?
To get the rotten donut on the other side.
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
What’s a lesbian’s favorite sport? Dodge balls.
My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...
"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it was the fridge.
Is depression an emotion or a state of mind? I call it a lifestyle.
What’s one thing that a gay person is scared of?
A gay guy that’s straight!
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
What do you do when you made a misteak?
You do some yoga 🧘♀️ and say, "Namaaa steak."
These cannibal kids come running into the cave and ask their mom what's for dinner? She says, "Dad's gonna grill wieners!"
what do you call a lazy gay?
someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.
