Life jokes
How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash?
About nine months and a day.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
It's always the little things that make us laugh.
There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
What food has an orphan made?
Homemade food.
- Sometimes I feel like killing myself...
- But?
- ...
At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.
What has 2 arms but no legs?
A crippled woman with no more meaning in her life.
When life gives you lemons... call them yellow oranges and sell 'em for double the price!
Friend 1: Did you?
Depressed friend 2: I didn't!
Friend one: Swear on your life!
Depressed friend 2: I swear.
A week later friend 2 dropped dead to their utter delight.
Which one will fall from the tree first, the leaves or the emo?
The emo doesn't fall.
Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.
The creator's son tried that!
(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)
Roses are red, Violets are fine. Why is your life So much better than mine?
I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, When life gets tough, I'll stand by you.
Life is like a bag of jellybeans.
Nobody likes the black ones.
What's the easiest way to make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail—it'll be delighted!
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.