Life jokes
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
My life.
My life who?
My life is depressing...
Ernie and Burt were camping in the woods, when they woke up Burt asked Ernie "how did you sleep?" Ernie replied with "I slept amazing! I had a great dream that I was in a magic candy world and was sucking the most tastiest lollipop I'd ever tasted in my life."
Burt replied with "Good to hear, I slept amazing too. I had a dream that I was in heaven surrounded by angels, and one of them was giving me a blow job."
What do you call a dead human?
A DEAD HUMAN! HAHAHahahah ha.. ha.. ha Am I the only one laughing?
If being near immortal was a normal thing, I bet wanting to die would've been too.
Life sucks, and so does the vacuum, and other things.
help people
Hi there! My name is Michael Grover, and I am an explorer. Ever since I’ve been little, I’ve loved searching for new things. As a baby, my parents kept finding me in nooks and crannies around the house. “On the search,” as they would say.
By the age of 5, I had been to every continent on the planet, barring Antarctica. For my 12th birthday, my parents got me diving lessons, and by the time I was 13, I could scuba dive to a depth of 40 meters, as well as go cave diving.
I got a pilot’s license by the age of 17, and I learned to sail just before my 18th birthday. Instead of going to university, I decided to travel around South America, exploring its rich jungles and beautiful landscapes.
During my trip, I met my now wife who was also an explorer. For our honeymoon, we sailed around the Caribbean, and we discovered 3 new islands which we named after the cats that I had growing up.
Over the course of my life, I have come across great treasures and wondrous experiences. But in all my life, and in all my travels, I’m afraid I have never come across a single person who cared about what you just said.
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
When you unplug the charger to charge your phone, but you realize it was plugged into your grandpa's life support:
What song do you play at a emo kid's funeral?
House of Pain—"Jump Around."
What happened when the emo kid gave the tree a high five? It left him hanging.
Define abnormal life.
Waking up every day living a sane life!
Why did the baby cross the road? Because he wanted to die.
What is a yellow dog Libertarian?
A yellow dog Libertarian is a Libertarian who is blindly loyal to the Libertarian Party, he or she who is a yellow dog Libertarian is a card carrying member of the Libertarian Party who would not vote for a progressive Democrat or a conservative Republican even if their life depended on it! 🐕 🗽
Dark jokes are like a new day. Suicidal people don't get it.
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
Life is all that matters.
Q: Why are orphans so scared to get married?
A: They don't know what it feels like to have a family.
What’s the difference between an emo and a pack of Oreos? The emo’s barcode gets longer every day.