Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
I'll remember my last words... "Sorry, I'm not sorry!"
I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.
I remember my uncle's last words:
"I don't think we're going shooting today."
I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"
I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"
I was voting for Trump in the 2016 election. It's been a while since the last presidential assassination...
Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-
Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.
My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.
Cremation: Your last chance for a smoking hot body
Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents' room, catching them having sex, so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! We’re just uh, making cake,” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother’s room, so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother’s girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! We're making cake!”
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How'd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"
I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."
What was the last thing to go through the terrorist's mind? The detonator.
I will always remember my baby sister's last words: "What is the fire for?"
Last time I got a piece of ass was when my finger went through the toilet paper.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.
The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."
"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."
"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."
My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."
What were Stephen Hawking last words?
*Windows turning off*
