Once my twin brother died from a plane crash. His last words were, "If it's a bomb, I'll give it a 9/11."
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
Tried committing suicide last night...
Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!
Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.
Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)
You're so fat, you lasted a whole year on the cross just off of your fat.
Do you remember what Bruce Willis' last movies were?
Neither does he.
Last week I went on a whale watch.
After everyone had piled onto a boat, they loaded the boat onto a trailer and drove to your house.
Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.
yo mumma so fat i took a photo of her last year and its still printing.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the last time people got depressed ended World War II.
When was the last time you saw yourself in the mirror?
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.
There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?
A pentagon
You're so short, when it rains you're the last one to know.
The last time I ever made a joke was just now.
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
I went on a walk last night with a really hot girl. Then she noticed me, and we went for a run.
Tell your mom happy last night emoji in my bed
Your hair is so far back, you left it at your last address.
Why are all Asians so skinny?
Because last time there was a fat man a whole population disappeared.
