Tried committing suicide last night...
Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!
Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.
Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)
You're so fat, you lasted a whole year on the cross just off of your fat.
Do you remember what Bruce Willis' last movies were?
Neither does he.
Last week I went on a whale watch.
After everyone had piled onto a boat, they loaded the boat onto a trailer and drove to your house.
Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.
yo mumma so fat i took a photo of her last year and its still printing.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the last time people got depressed ended World War II.
When was the last time you saw yourself in the mirror?
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.
There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?
A pentagon
You're so short, when it rains you're the last one to know.
The last time I ever made a joke was just now.
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
I went on a walk last night with a really hot girl. Then she noticed me, and we went for a run.
Tell your mom happy last night emoji in my bed
Your hair is so far back, you left it at your last address.
Why are all Asians so skinny?
Because last time there was a fat man a whole population disappeared.
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You’re not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No, you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact, I don’t," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don’t care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.
What were Paul Walker's last words?
Hey, that tree's growing!
