Kid jokes

Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?

I told him to be a stand-up comedian!

Me: "Gift a homeless kid iPhone 7."

The kid: But it has no home button.

Me: Exactly. 💀

Wanna know why the plane actually crashed?

Someone turned off flight mode.

(Or a kid just turned on airplane mode.)

An orphan once said, "I will call my mum and go home."

A homeless kid once said he will go home.

Kid: Knock, knock.

Orphan: Who’s there?

Kid: Not your parents.

I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"

I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."

When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.

When you're watching a 9/11 documentary, that one kid in your class finds the 97th Jenga block and knocks it down.

"Rape isn't a joke unless you watch YouTube Kids."

What do you call a gay kid on fire?

So, I was at a funeral the other day, and it was a school shooting mass funeral. The lady beside me asked me, “What do you think was going through their heads?” And I replied, “Probably a bullet.” She was furious and said, “How dare you! You have no idea what those kids were probably going through!” And I replied, “Well, they were going through anything the bullet was going through them.”

What's in common with Michael Jackson and a phone?

Kids play with both of them.

What do Kurt Cobain and an emo kid have in common?

They both smell like "Teen Spirit."

Why are cancer kids so fly?

Because they got the drip.

One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.

What's the similarity between pedophiles and school shooters?

They both shoot when they see kids.

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."