Kid jokes

Hey kids, guess who started a micronation?

It’s Barney and Trump. They don’t let gays in, but they kill them.

Russians think they are tougher than Americans. Here are some reasons for the Russians out here reading this:

1. USA was NEVER invaded!

2. USA never commits as many war crimes as Russia does!

3. USA made the first nuclear weapon so yeah shove that up your ass, Russians!

4. Our soldiers don’t rape kids.

5. We have more allies than you.

6. We are smaller but stronger.

7. Random civilians in the USA have stronger guns than Russian military does!

Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.

Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Orphans and Chinese people can’t play baseball. The orphans can’t find home, and the Chinese kid will eat the bat.

I know everything about Walt Disney! How he died, how his mom and dad died, how his kids died, when he was born, where he was born, and how he was born. 😏

Apparently, as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Elmo: Welcome to the new micronation of Tickelandia.

Dude: Why are we close to Disneyland?

Kid: I don't know.

Elmo: Rule 1, you must not tell the forests or Bob Iger about us.

Meanwhile, Officer: Come on, Elmo, you're going to prison.

*Officer arrests Elmo*

Elmo: But who wants tickles?

What’s the difference between a leaf and an emo kid falling out of a tree? The leaf reaches the ground.

I went to go hang out with the emo kids, but they already did.

Why do kids like to pick on orphans?

Because they can't call their parents.

That awkward moment when a fat kid says, “That’s how I roll.”

Oh, Lois, that was more scary than Michael Jackson without pants in front of a kid!

Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.

College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you, or they'll send your kid back.

I was sitting at a bench at the park and saw a lady. She asked which kid was mine, and I responded, "I haven't decided yet."

1+1 answer 2 said all the kids, but 1 kid said 5. Then I said your mom feels embarrassed because everyday you look into the mirror, you see how empty your brain is.

What do you call a virgin kid locked in a room with a pedophile? Past tense.

Adopting a kid is like having a yard sale! I mean, if the owners don't want it anymore, what makes you think I want it?