Job jokes

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

My ex-boyfriend's dick is so small that instead of giving him a handjob, I had to give him a thumb and forefinger job.

I work with animals!

What do you do?

I’m a butcher.

Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. I love working at an orphanage.

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!

Prostitution. The only job that pays more if you suck.

Kurt Cobain's last job was a blow job. He blew his head clean off.

What's the difference between me and a hairdresser? We both cut too much.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

Why did the female dicktator get fired? She had too much dick!

I saw a kid crying. I asked him what's wrong, where are your parents? They paused and looked at me funny... GOD I LOVE WORKING AT AN ORPHANAGE.

I have many jokes about unemployed people--sadly, none of them work.

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-executioner.

My mom told me that she got a new job & I don't have to leave the house.

Then my mom told all my customers are the men that live in our neighborhood.

Then I ask what is your job call. My mom said job hand, then I said job and or is hand job.

My mom said yeah that it. My mom said I'm good at my job that why all the males are always knocking at the door.

What do you call sex in the World Trade Center?

An inside job.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

Sorry, I'm still working on it.