Job jokes

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

He was out-standing.

There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.

It’s true women do make less money than men.

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

Why can't emos work at a restaurant? Because they cut too much.

Did you know that former Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was a firefighter? He got fired for trying to fight a fire with tickets to Hawaii.

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

How much work does a skeleton get done?

A SKELE-TON!

Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?

They all shoot people for a living.

Did you know "bj" ends with "job" because if you are giving a man a blow job, it sucks? But if you’re giving it to a woman, it's called "eating out" because it’s a privilege.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, that's a hardware problem.

Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?

A: He got caught drinking on the job.

What is an orphan's dad's job?

A magician because he makes himself disappear.

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.

Wait, isn't this Sans' job to make a joke?

I'm glad I'm not a pornstar... that would be pretty sucky.