Job jokes

I want to write some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them works.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

How much work does a skeleton get done?

A SKELE-TON!

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

What's the difference between 911 and a Mexican gardener?

One of them is an outside job.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, that's a hardware problem.

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!

What is an orphan's dad's job?

A magician because he makes himself disappear.

Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?

A: He got caught drinking on the job.

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.

Wait, isn't this Sans' job to make a joke?

What is the difference between paying $50.00 to receive an anonymous blow job from a physically challenged gay white male who is also a sex worker at a glory hole and paying $175.00 to receive an anonymous blow job from an able-bodied bisexual white female who is also a sex worker at a glory hole?

If you give $50.00 to receive an anonymous blow job from a physically challenged gay white male who is also a sex worker at a glory hole you are saving yourself $125.00. 💸😁

A job is like virginity. Not everyone loses it.

A man is meeting a client in Japan, but arrives a day early. When night hit, he went out with a prostitute. They're having sex, but the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!", so the man thinks he's doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing, and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!". His client turns around confused and says, "What do you mean wrong hole!?"

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

His boss gave him some projects to work on, but he failed at it.

His boss told him: "You suck."

And he started sucking his boss, after he was done.

His boss told him: "You suck for life!"

XD