Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!
Bro, go work at McDonald's. Your hairline inspired their logo!
As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.
I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
A blonde starts a new job at a local car dealership when a wealthy gentleman comes in looking for a spacious car for his large family. The blonde is excited as she gets commission, so eagerly shows him the most expensive SUVs.
The gentleman has a good look around before saying to the blonde, "It looks perfect.... But cargo space?" To which she instantly replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir, car only for road."
What makes 9/11 an inside job?
Someone started calling it 10/7.
How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
Asian Grading scale: A- Average.
B- Half Average.
C- Stupid idiot!
D- FAILURE! CAN'T EVEN DO CALCULUS!
F- FORGOTTEN FAILURE! CAN'T EVEN GET A JOB AT MCDONALDS!
I think I would like a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.
What’s worse than getting a job at McDonald’s?
Not getting the job at McDonald’s.
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.
Being unemployed is like watching our president fall over himself on the stairs.
There’s no hope.
My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
What do you call someone who fixes walls?
Juan, probably.
Boss: Can I do a reference check?
Me: I don’t have a...
*sensei appears*
Me: oh no
Sensei: He was a good student, but he lacked kizma.
Boss: What's kiz...
Sensei:😈
Me: Oh no, here we go.
Sensei: Kizma AS-
Finally my father came early from office today. I am very happy.
He was fired from his job.
The man fired from the World Trade Center on September 10.
That is just plain wrong.
What's the difference between 911 and a Mexican gardener?
One of them is an outside job.
