Job jokes
"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."
"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."
"That's your lookout."
I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.
I had sex with my boss's daughter.
I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.
Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?
They all shoot people for a living.
Why did the telemarketer cross the road?
I don't know.
I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.
When a mute girl gives a hand job, is it oral?
What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)
MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?
BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!
MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?
BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!
MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?
BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.
MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.
BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!
(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)
MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!
I want to write some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them works.
What do you call a rapper who works at the BANK?
Lil Teller.
What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?
Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
Why did the dwarf work at Tesco?
Because every little bit helps!
There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. I love working at an orphanage.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.
I heard P. Diddy got a job as a defensive coordinator.
He’s used to penetrating aggressively.
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.