it's jokes
A joker held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice gesture.
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Answer:
To prove it wasn't chicken!
It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
It depends how hard you throw them.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9, my basement is still dark!
What's the difference between an air blower and Little Boy?
When the air blower blew, it did not wipe out Hiroshima.
I made a website for orphans. It doesn't have a homepage.
"How was your day?"
"It was great."
"What was so great about it?"
"I saw a puppy."
"Awww."
"And I ran over it :)"
When your friend does a finger-gun and his dad appears behind him and does it too, with the real deal!
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."
What do you call nitrogen in the day? You call it day-trogen!
Father: "Son, you were adopted."
Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."
Why is an orphan so bad at baseball?
Because they can't make it to home.
What's good about 9/11? It helped solve the world's overpopulation issue.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar!
When you kill people in a war, it's perfectly fine, but when it's a school, everyone has a problem with it, wth.
Why couldn’t anyone see the bird?
Because it was in da skies.
Why do people drink Starbucks? Because it's too hot to handle!