it's jokes

Is it bad to hit an orphan?

It's not like they'll tell their parents.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It didn't want to get stuck in any more cracks!

I went to a muffler party... it was exhausting!

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.

Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?

Actually, I shouldn't spread it.

I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.

Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.

I had the best butterfingers yesterday.

I dropped it.

What did the south tower say to the north tower? It said: nothing.

9/11 joke.

Why is 69 annoying me? Oh, it's a tease.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Madam.

Madam who?

Madam foot got caught in the door, can you please open it!

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it.

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

Is your fridge running?

Why yes, it is!

Then you better go catch it!

We have life. I hope we have life. We have God in Jesus Christ. This is a good thing. It is a song part.

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower?

You got off clean.

How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? 10, 1 to change the lightbulb, 9 to talk about how inspired they are?

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger before my eyes.

Then it hit me.

A man is standing on the side of the road, waiting to cross, when another man stands alongside him. The first man says, "I have been waiting to cross here for ages. It's impossible to cross."

The second man says, "There is a zebra crossing up the road." He said, "I hope he is having better luck than I am!"