it's jokes

After the shooting, people were asking why they would do it.

They wanted to stop but it turns out they were playing an online game.

I ate a watch once... it was time-consuming.

I went to the bathroom and into a stall to see a hole in the wall. It reminded me of "The Lickable Wallpaper" from "Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory." I jokingly started licking. Though, the carrot tasted musky and kinda wrinkly.

When is a piece of wood made king?

When it's a ruler.

I heard an unusual word the other day: "Opaque."

Unfortunately, what it means is unclear.

I was voting for Trump in the 2016 election. It's been a while since the last presidential assassination...

Why is the sun so attractive? Because it is burning hot!

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says, "Phew, it's hot in here." The other muffin says, "OMG, a talking muffin!"

How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.

I'd tell you a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy.

Question: How bad is German WiFi?

Answer: It's the wurst.

Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-

Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.

I'd make a joke about an obese person, but it won't work out.

It looks like your face was lit on fire and someone tried to extinguish it with a hammer!

Here in IHOP, we serve pancakes, not pie cakes. If so, we can always bring in a chart that will power the customer. His smile will remain at its current form, and police surely resisted when I said the word "surely."

Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?

"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"

My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.

Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!

Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.

It's okay to tell a Stephen Hawking joke if there are stairs in your house he can't get to you. Plus, he shut himself down, so it's all good :)

Kid: Why do orphans like tennis?

Dad: Because it's the only time they get "love."