IT jokes
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.
On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"
A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.
The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.
The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.
A few seconds later, the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"
"Sure," said the little boy.
The little boy's mother was downstairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there, she saw blood all over the bathtub. "What happened?!" she said.
"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."
When they say beat that pussy, I don’t play so punch it.
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.
Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
How many South Africans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Brazilian.
Crying babies are like parties. No matter how many times you try to end it, it keeps going.
Why do people eat food?
Coz it tastes good lol.
Were Japanese suicide bombers taught to fly, or was it just a quick crash course?
What's an old Japanese man's last words?
"Hey, that cloud looks like a mushroom, or is it just me?"
How do you know the baby's dead? The dog plays with it more.
What is the difference between white people and Africans? The white people watch "The Hunger Games," the Africans live it.
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"
And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."
Why is it ok to hit an orphan? It’s not like they can tell their parents.
Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they come back.
Why didn't the koala make the football team? Because it got diskoalafied!
"Jump in the Cadillac, girl, let's put some miles on it."
Yo hairline so long that it doesn't have a stopping point.
Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling good.
What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, it just waved.
I hate my life.
Have you heard about the blind man who saw the accident and the dead man who heard it?
I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.