IT jokes

I thought it was polite to open the door for a lady, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

I find it bemusing that hardcore right-wingers are superfans of Johnny Depp, considering that he looks like a dangerous Mexican drug lord.

You were sleeping, it didn't count - Chloe Foxwell 2021:)))))))

This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.

Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.

Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.

Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing boeing boeing.

What's an Emo's favorite drink?

Water, JK it's cyanide.

I was talking to a beaver about my life. I don't think he really gave a dam about it at all.

A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?

How do you get away with rape and incest in California?

Say you identify as a woman. Fact: It's actually legal to rape your daughter if you are a woman in California.

It's not rape if they can't say no. Duct tape.

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Kobe decided he’s too good to wait in traffic.

People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.

Old man goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."

The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"

I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson

When I was born the doctors said, "it's a boy!" Then when they went to cut the umbilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said, "Oh, it's a girl."