INS jokes

In 9/11, people were dying for the pizza. But it was at the bottom, so they had to die for it literally.

Here [are] some questions firesharky:

1. What color hair do u have?

2. What[s] MY parents['] names? What hospital [were] u born in?

3. What state [were] u born in?

Do not say I don't know.

I didn't ask: ❌

I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem that anyone needed this information, and there doesn't seem to be any chance anyone will need this information in the future. ✔️

Kids in the backseat make accidents, but accidents in the backseat make kids.

20 fridges are loaded onto a plane, only 19 come off.

Okay, moving on, you took too long. How many steps does it take to put an elephant into a fridge? (*Their reply:* Idk how many)

3: Open the fridge, put the elephant into the fridge, and close the door.

How do you put a giraffe into the fridge? (*Their reply:* 3...)

Wrong, 4: Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

Why did Sully fall off the swing? A fridge fell on her.

I was in the bank one day, and this old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

What do Stephen Hawking and the Wicked Witch have in common?

If you throw water over them, they both die...

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.

Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."

I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it would probably go up in flames.

Why does that kid have to stay in that orphanage?

He should just go to his mom and dad!

What do you call a calf that is in no way brave?

A coward.

What do Helen Keller and orphans have in common?

Neither of them can see or hear their parents.

In a cruel twist of irony, Stephen Hawking's favorite song was "I've Got the Power."

A son asked his mom: "Why are the lines in the LGBTQ community flag straight?"

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

What do you call a dead woman in the back of your car?

Idk, I just have a couple in the backseat.