INS jokes

Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?

Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!

What thing can jump the highest?

Emo kids, some of them are still in the air.

Did you hear about the bank robber?

Turns out he got shot by the police.

And he wound up in prison.

Why do fat cows eat fat cows? Because I wrote this in America.

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, "WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!" A man in the back responds, "YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!"

Why did the orphans have in common? They both don't have parents.

What did the poo say when it fell out of your bum?

"Your anus looks like my mum's bedsheet which is smelly and covered in poo."

I also just wanted to add that a Goonie's anus looks like my nan's mouth.

What is the difference between a gay man and a fridge? A fridge doesn't moan when you put meat in it.

What did the dog say when he got its tail caught in the door?

"It won't be long now..."

Why do Republican men hate transgender people?

Because they lost a dick-measuring contest to a ladyboy in Thailand!

I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to "Hang in there."

Your mom is so ugly her face would split in half when she sees you.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Why is the Champs d'Elysees in Paris lined with trees?

Because German soldiers like marching in the shade!

What's the best card in Clash Royale?

The Credit Card.

What do Michael Jackson and Tesco carrier bags have in common? They’re both made out of plastic and harmful to children.

My mom told me that her doctor told her personally that she had to keep herself isolated because she has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great ass.

Three boy chihuahua were hot about this girl chihuahua. She tells them, "I will date whichever one of you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence."

First dog says, "I love cheese, but liver is bland."

She replies, "Really original."

Next dog, "I love liver, but cheese makes me constipated."

She replies, "Ew, gross."

Third dog steps up, "Man, liver alone cheese mine."

Winner dog 3.