INS jokes
I wish death was in the form of a woman.
That way, it would never come for me.
I took a special needs child to a shooting range.
Poor bastard had no idea which direction to run in.
Hillary Clinton is elected president...
And on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."
Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?
They are more open-minded.
What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?
They both get really high.
Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red and black and white and white and black and red and red and black and red and white and black and red and red and red and red?
A penguin in a blender.
When the teacher gives me an F on my exam,
but I have an AK-47 in my backpack.
*Is honestly the best policy.*
Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high-ranking position in the US government?
Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
Hillary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected into office.
Sorry, it was supposed to say "Female," but the "emale" got deleted.
A boy asks his father:
"What is politics?"
Father answers:
"It’s very simple! You see, I bring in the money, so I’m big business. Your mother spends the money, so she’s the government.
Your grandfather sees to it that everything is managed in an orderly way. So he’s the law.
Our maid is the working class.
Everything revolves around your interests, so you’re the people. Your little baby brother represents the future."
The boy has to think it over. That night he hears his little brother crying due to a dirty diaper. He doesn’t know what to do, so he goes to the bedroom of his parents. There his mother is sound asleep. He goes to the bedroom of the maid, but his father is there fucking the maid — and oddly enough his grandfather is watching through the window.
Nobody notices the boy and he returns to his bed.
The next day his father asks him:
"So, can you now explain to me what politics is?"
The boy says:
"Yes, it’s all become clear to me!
Big business screws over the working class while the law watches and the government sleeps. The people are ignored and the future lies in shit."
Why are women like KFC?
After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
What do you get when you dip a duck in blue paint?
A very pissed duck.
What do sex and food have in common?
Grandma makes both better.
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."
My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.
Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”