If jokes

I wanted to see if she was anorexic, so I threw a Funyun at her to see if she'd use it as a hula hoop or inhale it.

Three guys landed on a cannibal island. The cannibal chef told them if they wanted to live, they had to go get 10 of one fruit and bring it to him, and he would tell them what to do.

So the first guy brings 10 apples, and the chef said if he could shove all 10 of those in his ass without making a sound, he could live. He was three apples in and made a sound, and they ate him. The second guy brought grapes; nine grapes in, and he burst out laughing. The cannibals ate him. Then the first guy said, "Why'd you laugh? You were almost there!" The other guy who had the grapes said, "I couldn't help it, I was told the third guy came back with 10 pineapples."

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

Everyone is talking about Head and Shoulders, and that if he never had a shower, his batteries would have got wet.

So, a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I’ll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says, "Alright, so a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink." The bartender says, "I’ll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says, "So a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink." The bartender says, "I’ll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says, "So a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink." The bartender says, "Okay, here you go." So he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink.

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.

It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" the passenger said.

"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.

I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

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    • I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

    The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

    After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”

    The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”

    Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”

    A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.

    The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

    After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

    The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

    So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

    About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.

    He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.

    The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

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    • You're a good soldier Choosing your battles Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and back in the saddle You're on the front line Everyone's watching You know it's serious we're getting closer, this isn't over The pressure is on You feel it But you've got it all Believe it When you fall get up oh oh And if you fall get up oh oh Tsamina mina zangalewa 'Cause this is Africa Tsamina mina eh eh Waka waka eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa This time for Africa Listen to your God This is our motto Your time to shine don't wait in line y vamos por todo People are raising Their expectations Go on and feed them this is your moment no hesitations Today's your day I feel it You paved the way Believe it If you get down get up oh oh When you get down get up eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa This time for Africa Tsamina mina eh eh Waka waka eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa Anawa aa Tsamina mina eh eh Waka waka eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa This time for Africa Ame la mejole biggi biggi mubbo wa A to Z Asi tsu zala makyuni biggi biggi mubbo from East to West Asi waga waga ma eh eh waga waga ma eh eh Tendency suna tsibuye 'cause this is Africa (Africa, Africa Africa) Tsamina mina, Anawa a a Tsamina mina Tsamina mina, Anawa a a Tsamina mina, eh eh Waka waka, eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa Anawa a a Tsamina mina, eh eh Waka waka, eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa This time for Africa Django eh eh Django eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa Anawa a a Django eh eh Django eh eh Tsamina mina zangalewa Anawa a a This time for Africa This time for Africa We're all Africa We're all Africa

    Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

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