If jokes

How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?

If you said he felt it in his bones, you're wrong. He watched the weather forecast.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

There was this guy who asked a girl how much her hand jobs are. "$25k." How much are your blowjobs? "$50k." How much do you charge to have sex on the street? REPLY: "I would if I had a pussy."

If you were a food, what would you be?

Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."

Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."

Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."

Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.

Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"

The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."

If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.

If I had a sister with only 1 leg... wouldn't her name be I-Lean?

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons.

"My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don’t succumb to his sexual advances, I would have to jump out of the plane."

And his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?"

The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

If I were to not eat the last biscuit, I would feel "crumby."

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

Catholic men say eating broccoli is like anal sex.

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult.

I'll stop with the horrible puns if you can say a good joke.

This is a lot like anal sex.

You always miss 100% of the shots if you don't take it.

What job do you want if you don't want people's twos since?

A Catholic priest.

Do you like fish sticks?

If you do, you're a gay fish.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.