If jokes

Catholic men say eating broccoli is like anal sex.

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult.

I'll stop with the horrible puns if you can say a good joke.

This is a lot like anal sex.

You always miss 100% of the shots if you don't take it.

What job do you want if you don't want people's twos since?

A Catholic priest.

Do you like fish sticks?

If you do, you're a gay fish.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. There's usually 90 degrees.

If you've been thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet.

A man went to a library and asked the librarian if they had any books on suicide.

She replied "Oh fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”

The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”

Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”

If your best friend tells you that he's gay for you, what do you do? Tell him, "Oh, nice gay ass."

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

102, if you have some alive ones.

If hi = hi?

Joaquin Phoenix as The Joker is like Heath Ledger if he overdosed on prescription drugs... Oh, wait. He already did.

I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.

Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals. They are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit. They go in and the first man comes out with a peach. He is instructed to shove it in his ass, and if he laughs, he will be killed. He tries and dies.

The second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same. When the two meet at the pearly gates, the first man says, "I had a peach. They're fuzzy. You had a grape. What's your excuse?"

"Well, I was doing fine until I saw Jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple."

How are guys and tile floors alike?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.