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If jokes

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"

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    • An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.

    if you throw it hard enough.

    "The only way I'd want to be reincarnated is if I can be reincarnated as a man," said the young woman.

    "Why?" said her friend.

    "Oh, I don't know, just men are so cool,"

    "Is that the only reason?" said her friend.

    "Maybe........" said the young woman. "Maybe."

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal; its throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

    The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah."

    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

    How can you tell if your sister is on her period?

    Your father's dick tastes funny.

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    • If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

    If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

    I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

    If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

    I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

    If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

    I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

    If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

    I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

    My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

    I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

    I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

    I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

    I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

    I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

    My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

    Help me....

    What happens if you mix a dick with a potato?

    You get a dictator dic-dick-tator-potato!

    What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

    I give a fuck if my computer crashes.

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    • This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."

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    • A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.

    I don't have any now.

    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    Esteban.

    Esteban who?

    If you do not open the door, Esteban you!

    If a person walks off a hundred-foot cliff and halfway down screams, "Why did I do that?" Then a second person walks off the same one-hundred-foot cliff and screams the same verse, "Why did I do that?" Then another person walks off the cliff and screams the same line, "Why did I do that," and the next person does the same thing. What do you call that?

    (Stupid People)

    Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

    You would too if your name was "Raraaaughhaugh."

  • 1

    • I don't know if this is a joke or a question, but:

    If killing yourself sends you to hell, where does sitting in the waiting room get you?