How did a man kill his car? He throttled it.
These are all of my terrible jokes.
Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright, but the reception was amazing.
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender said, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says, "Does this taste funny to you? I'm joking of course!"
Dejamoo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and said to the doctor "I can't feel my legs." The doctor said, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
I went to seafood disco last week, I pulled a muscle.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one says, "Dam!"
A mystic dwarf escapes from a jail, the call went out for a "small medium at large."
A man walks into a bar with solid tar under his arm, he says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.
Yo mama so fat that she should be worried, diabetes is a serious problem.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, duh.
A priest, a rabbi, and a cleric walk into a bar. The cleric, due to his religious constructions, does not drink alcohol. The others do the same, they have a pleasant fun and nothing bad happens.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
I remember the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket, "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A man walks into a bar, his alcohol independence is pulling this family apart.
I like my coffee like my women, on sometimes with a penis.
A man is working at a bar, a money comes in and orders a banana martini. The man wakes up and tells his story to his wife, he is ignored and he turns around sobbing. His marriage is falling apart.
Why didn't Jesus play hockey? Soccer and baseball are more popular in Mexico.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, the wheels were a lie.
What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels except the duck.
Why couldn't the dinosaur break the wall? I don't know. I'm asking you.
Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker? She has dementia.
There are an owl and a squirrel watching a farmer go by, they owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing. It's an owl it can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because the owl is a bird of prey.
How do you punish Helen Keller? You stick a toilet plunger in the toilet.
Why can't Helen Keller have kids? It went up too far.
How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They tell her to sit in the corner in a circular room.
How do you execute a retard?
The Electric Wheelchair.
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea-saw.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
How do you stop a baby from crying?
Throw a brick in its mouth.
How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.
How many South Africans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Brazilian.
What did Hitler say after his parents bought a hauler?
How much did the haulla-cost?
How do Germans tie their shoes? Answer: In Nazis!
How many times does 43 go into 8?
Get in the van and find out.
American: How do you use a PC?
Amish: We use a potato.
I'm happy that I named my dog "I Know What You Did." It's funny to see how much people get scared when I call him.
How do you make a baby cry?
You run over it with a lawn mower.
How do you make a baby cry?
You punch it in the face.
How does Stephen Hawking charge his computer?
How does Stephen Hawking have sex? Keyboard sex!
How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.
How do you kill a Catholic?
Crucify them...
