How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
How did Princess Diana cross the road through the windshield
This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.
An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"
His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.
He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"
"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"
"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."
How did the dead baby cross the road?
It was strapped to the chicken.
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
How is being gay like a geology class? You can lick all the rocks you want.
How to make a baby make funny faces?
Put it feet first in a blender.
How do you fit 15 babies into a shoe box?
A blender.
How do you get them out of the shoe box? A straw.
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."
How many Americans does it take to fill the Grand Canyon?
4
How do you stay warm in a cold room?
You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.
How do Asians name their kids? They drop spoons and forks down the stairs. Chin Chan Chon.
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.
How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Who gives a shit? I wanna know how it got the car started!
A man tried to attack me with milk and cheese—how dairy!
How do you confuse a blonde? Put it in a circle and tell it to sit in the corner.
How do you finger a feminist? Shake her hand and call her Theresa.
So I was eating this girl out the other day, and I GOT AIDS. How does a 9-year-old give me AIDS? I guess my sister was hanging around the wrong crowd.
How to treat someone who’s lesbian, gay, queer, transgender or bisexual?
The same way that you would treat anybody else, you homophobic bastard.
