Hows jokes

How did Helen Keller know she went to hell?

She didn't.

I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

You know how 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9? Well, 10 is afraid because he was in the middle of 9/11.

Sure, just tell me how to put on a mask.

How would you multiply numbers in octoschool?

You octoply, obviously.

First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"

HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

How do you punish a blind kid?

Rearrange the furniture.

Q. How does a girl from Alabama know when her mom is on the rag?

A. She can taste it on her brother's cock.

How do you find out about the accomplishments of the former president of the United States James Earl Carter?

Read the label on the jar of Skippy peanut butter.

A man walks in to the doctor.

He says, "Doctor, I need a new butt. Mine has a crack in it."

Doctor: How many times do I have to tell you!!!

Do you know how a dragon is? You don't know who? It's dragging these 2-liter balls across your pathetic face and slamming it into a f*cking dumpster you regret.

Words can’t describe how beautiful you are.

But numbers can. (Lol)

How did Helen Keller lose her arm? She tried to read the stop sign at 100 MPH.

A teacher asked his students a math question.

"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"

After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.

"One dollar!" she said.

There were 25 cows, 28 chickens. How many didn't?

(Ten, if you count in base 13!)

How do you properly eat a vegetable?

You tip over the wheelchair.

Do you know how I lost my music teacher job?

I tried to hit G by putting D.

Teacher: Tell me about the history of Tsar Nicholas (blah blah blah).

Student: How should I know, that's his story?