Mom: (Looking through Facebook) How adorable!
Kid: (Looking over her shoulder) What a cute ass!
The kid's mom blushes until she realizes what he was pointing to. It was a picture of a baby donkey.
The real question is, what was she looking at on the same screen that made her blush at that remark?
How do you punish Helen Keller?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
How did I know where you would go next?
Oh, I felt it in my bones!
Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
Bro never learned how to play Jenga. 🙄
Why was Helen Keller truly an inspiration?
She learned how to read and write despite being from Alabama!
How did the pornstar cut herself while using a drill?
She was too used to grabbing the tip.
How do you surprise a blind man? Put a plunger in the toilet.
How did the guys with Down syndrome split the dinner bill? They all made a down payment.
How do emos like their meat cooked?
Medium rawr.
How old are 9/11 victims?
"There, toddlers, here come the airplane!"
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
Ring.. Ring.. Yes this is Dave from the Orphanage, "you make 'em we take 'em", how may I be of service?
I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?
Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Suck its cock.
You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."
People were deciding how to punish a terrible criminal, and one man came up with a great idea.
He sat him in a movie theater with no food at all and made him watch a 12 hour documentary about the country Hungary.
