friend: how's it going? me: good, things are good! parent: how are you? me: oh I'm fine! Twitter: compose new tweet? me: hellooooo l would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it
a man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide and the librarian said "fuck off you wont bring it back"
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
Read more: 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
How do you call a sad coffee? A depresso(t)
How did Jesus become self sovern? He screws himself and becomes his own creator.
How does a disabled person play chasy I think you forgot they don't have legs
how did 10 die? because it was in between 9 and 11
How do you know if spaghetti is a boy a girl, its meatballs
How do you keep a Biden supporter in suspense?................. ....................................
you know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?" How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?
no matter how much i cry the the white people till left me hanging
Ask the emo kid: Hey how's it hanging
Nining leven BITCH. Idk how to spell but its that shit where the plains flew into them towers
How many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just beat the room for being black.
"Can we do 69?" "How about the 9/11 because were going to crash tonight."
"can we do 69" "how about we do the 9/11 since we will crash together."
You wanna hear a joke?
2 Emo's hanging out under a tree🤣🤣🤣🤣
How many Emo's does it take to commit suicide? Way too fucking many, because they never get it right the first time 🤣🤣🤣🤣
how to blind kids get punished? By moving the furniture around the house
How to improve my beloved Penchester United in 5 easy steps:
1. Sell Casemeiro 🤑 2. Sell Pernandes 🤑 3. Sell Bencho 🤑 4. Sell Trashford 🤑 5. Terminate penaldo 🤑 6. Make Mctominay extend his deal 📝
These came down deep from my heart don’t let me down again, please.
Man: How do you prepare your chicken? Waiter: Nothing special, we just tell them they’re going to die.
