Girl: Daddy, I've been a bad girl.
Priest: For the last time, it's "Father, I have sinned."
So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
Quiet kid: "I'm home!"
Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"
Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"
Rey: Join me, Ben, you don't have to be alone anymore, join me.
Ben: But Rey, I've always been solo.
I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.
Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
Teacher: Take a seat, class.
Wheelchair person: I've been in the seat.
jamal- dads CAN grow on trees joseph
joseph- no they dont
jamal- yes they do. ive seen it
joseph- ...... thanks not what you thought it was
hoes be like ive been through a lot no alots been through you
I told a Seal a joke it went like "Why did the kid cross the playground" he said "why?" I said "To get to the other slide" and then he said "thats the sealiest thing Ive ever heard"
I remember last year all these bitches called me lame so I stopped the simping and pretended I was gay, now I think they're all fucking with me.
I'm an LGBTQ imposter got cut last year know I've made the roster and you may think I'm a monster. I'm just just tryna see some titties.
I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"
Alex Stokes says, "Kat, I've seen you eat many foods!"
Hi! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been so busy!!!! I miss y'all, though!
*The doctor asking why I've broken 19 bones in the past week*
*My abusive mum- Go on, tell him!*
Well what am I gonna do now...
1 time i went to high five some one ive been left hanging ever since
I know I've changed my name from tj to selfish king but know it's gunna be selfishking#781.
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.
POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.
