Why do a pedophile love Halloween?
Free delivery.
Note to self.
When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".
Google "cream pie recipes".
I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.
Where did the pig go on holiday?
Snout and about.
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)
What do you call a green boner? The Grinch.
What do incest families do on Halloween?
Pumpkin.
A boy got a soccer ball and a bike for Christmas. Why is he sad?
He doesn’t have legs.
A married couple are on holiday in Italia. They look at the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He says: - Look, honey, this tower is crookedly standing! She: - Shut up!
(Standing means: penis erection)
Have a great year!
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
What did the orphan get for Christmas? Nothing, because his parents ran away.
Double whammy. Orphan jokes are like a kid with cancer; it never gets old. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👌👌👌👌👌
Why is there only 363 days in an orphan calendar? Because they don't have Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Roses are red. He shows no remorse.
Santa Claus Has joined the terrorist force.
I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging.
Why do orphans go to church on family day? cuz they get to spend time with their father.
What's a depressed kid's favorite holiday?.... Christmas because everything is hanging.
Why can’t an orphan celebrate Father’s Day and Mother’s Day? Because they have no parents.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's Day, the side chick is you.
