Him jokes

I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.

Then I waited for the results.

A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.

The next day, he could see only one color... black.

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

And the winner of the Tour de France is awarded, as ever, with the yellow jersey.

To remind him what color his piss is meant to be.

My dad and I have been playing hide and seek.

It's been 15 years and I still haven't found him.

An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.

What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."

A guy is talking to an Indian therapist.

He had a red dot, and the American thought it was from a sniper rifle and tackled him and said, "I thought the red dot on your head was from a sniper rifle!"

One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him what period it came from.

Why did Santa stop at three ho's?

Ms. Claus caught him.

I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.

She responds: “See that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.”

The kid replies: “But, Mom, I’m blind!”

Mom: “Exactly.”

If James Bond is the most famous spy, wouldn't that also make him the worst spy?

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

When my bro says "YOUR MOM" when I'm talking when I'm at school, and my friend says "YOUR MOM," me punches him;-;

My mom gives me your stuff because you have bad grades.

Me: How about my 5 little brothers? I have A's; he has F's.

She lets him play anyway and I don't.

I heard there was a kidnapping.

Don't worry, he woke up in the back of a van.

It was his father's friend who was a priest.

He was just bringing him to church.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.