Him jokes

I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a "fret."

Man: I'm here for the job interview.

Employer: Oh good, good. Sit down. We don't get many people for the interviews.

Man: Just anywhere?

Employer: Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Jackson, right?

Man: Yeah, that's me.

(Shakes hands and sits back down)

Employer: So what makes you eligible for the job, Jackson?

Man: Well, I'm really good at capturing the perfect shot and angle. It really takes dedication to do this type of job. Concentration and willpower, sir.

Employer: I like you already, you're hired!

Man: Wow, thanks, sir. I know I won't do you wrong. I'll work hard for this job!

Employer: You start now! Your first person is a man named John F Kennedy.

Man: What? You want me to just take pictures of him during the parade?

Employer: No.

Man: This... This is a photography job, right?

Employer: No... this is a job employment for man hunting.

I just figured out the "X" in Max stands for the button on Tinder every girl wants to press when they see him.

A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.

The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.

That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."

Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.

Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

What did a jockey's manager say to him before the race?

"Use the horse!"

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

A kid calls out for his mom one day while he is in the tub and says, "Mom come quick! I'm walking on water!"

And the mom runs in and says, "I knew evon whatent yo daddy! I ain't never slept with him a day my life!"

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

An orphan went up to Nikola Tesla and asked to travel in time. He then saw his parents put him in a building, saying, "You now live here!"

Imagine this whole “Dr. Strange jokes” is just full of people simping over him.

Couldn’t Be Me.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.

Jack got mad and kicked Jill in the ass because she couldn't make him cum.

Hitler was the most handsome man alive.

Everyone died for him.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.

The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a few hours. Light him on fire, he'll be warm the rest of his life.

The wheelchair kid laughed at my test score, so I told him to stand up to the anthem.

A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.

The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.

I said to him: "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."