Him jokes

I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

These girls were bullying a kid. I asked if they were raping him. They stopped.

Why did Bob fall? Because gravity was mad at him.

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.

Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”

Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”

Why does Aaron cry at night? His alcoholic father beats him.

You walk inside a building, then you see a blind German, then you call him his name.

Answer: Nazi.

My dog was hungry, so I let him loose outside while I filled his bowl.

I found out later that he was run over by a truck. It seemed to really hit the Spot.

Dad, there was one day I was playing jump rope with a pig, and then I made pulled pork out of him.

Son, he is dinner.

Son: Mom, what's dark humor?

Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I’m blind.

Mom: Exactly.

Why did the orphan cross the road?

Because his parents couldn’t help him out!

What did the lion say to the lion tamer? Nothing, because when the lion tamer whipped the lion, the lion killed him.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

This morning, I was having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about reincarnation. I said to him, "If you could come back in the next life as anything, what would you come back as?" He thought about it for a minute and says, "A tree. That way, everybody can look at me and admire me."

Then he says the same thing to me. I started thinking about it when these two sexy, half-naked studs walked by. One was a jock, the other on his bicycle. I know I said I want to come back as a jockstrap or a bicycle seat, but knowing my luck, I'll come back as a tampon.

The president of the USA is so damn stupid. His mother must have taken Tylenol while she was pregnant with him, or something.

Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!

I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a "fret."

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

I have fuck and sex with all the sexy naked ladies and they suck my balls (penis), but you ain't have no girlfriend. Your only friend, they call him ching chong coz of your hairline.

What does a Chinese do when you throw an apple at him? Ka-ching!

I was listening to WAP in my car with my four-year-old cousin, and she asked why they don't fix the holes in the house.

Then my fucking boyfriend, what a hoe, was and pointed to me. I pushed him out of the car, and my other boyfriend took the front seat.