Hes jokes

"Why is Peter Pan always flying?"

"He never lands."

Where did the children go after he stepped on the land mine?

There, there, over there, and over here too.

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."

Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King when he was a prince.

Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles? He got over it.

Did you hear about the roofer who went to the doctor? He had shingles.

I recently got pulled over by the cops and started spazzing out because of the police lights.

He arrested me for impersonating George Floyd.

*I have seizures*

Yo dad is so hairy, people chased him because they thought he was Bigfoot.

My dad was a great pilot...

He died in 9/11.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.

You should watch Ryan ToysReview because he's not mean; he's a very nice boy.

My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.

Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”

A guy is talking to an Indian therapist.

He had a red dot, and the American thought it was from a sniper rifle and tackled him and said, "I thought the red dot on your head was from a sniper rifle!"

A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"

A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"

The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."

The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

Does Eminem like M\&M's? Cause if he didn't, that would be like "they're" not liking "there."

My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.

So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.

In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.