Herring jokes

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

It is a known fact that you cannot say “harassment” without “her ass.”

I guess you could say, “harassment something.”

Is there a really annoying girl at your school and she's so fake? Well, say this:

Me: Hey, I have a nickname for you.

Her: Really? What?

Me: Sweet-in-low.

Her: Why?

Me: Because you're artificial.

Yo mama so fat, she uses the Gulf of Mexico as her hot tub!

What do you call it when a cow gets disciplined by her parents?

Grounded beef.

What makes Mrs. Grape 🍇 a good mother?

Raisin' her kids!

My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

What's the difference between me and Elizabeth Afton?

Her dad always comes back.

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.

My wife Jean is happy, 😊 pretty, 😍 and pregnant,🤰 boy, 👦 am I glad 😊 I bought her 👩 a new whirlpool washer and dryer.

Washer: $249.95 Dryer: $199.95

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."

How to harass? Say it out loud but slowly. Split that word into, and it sounds like "her ass."

My heart broke as I went down the stairs, and my girlfriend broke her heart.

Yo mama so fat, when she was telling me her weight, I thought she was telling me her number.

The emo girl got jealous that her phone died and not her.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They stuck a plunger down the toilet.

Yo mama so ugly, her mirror broke.

My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!