Her jokes

My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

So, she went to see the "You Should Be Shot" Photography Studio.

What did the Queen Bee say to her bees?

"Beehive yourselves!"

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my other girlfriend.

Yo mama is so ugly that when Santa came to the house and saw a picture of her, he died.

What is the most awkward moment when Helen Keller is playing pin the tail on the donkey?

Her friends aren’t sure whether to blindfold her.

Why can’t Helen Keller jump out of an airplane?

It scares the shit out of her dog.

Why didn’t the emo attend her grandma’s funeral?

She thought her grandma was trying to flex.

Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?

She was drunk.

Dating 101:

Here's what you do:

1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.

Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.

Her: I am scared!

Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

Yo mama is so fat that Thanos had to snap his fingers twice to get her out of existence.

Yo mama so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked her to move out the way.

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.

Your mama is so fat, the photo I took of her last Christmas is still printing.

Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"