Her Jokes

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

Why did Helen Keller burn her hands?

Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

A text message conversation. The first message says, "What's up?" The second says, "Dude, you're going to kill me. I was a little drunk last night and talking to your wife and I ended up banging her car in the driveway when I pulled out. I think I hit your daughter's bike too. I'll come fix it later, but please say sorry for me to your wife." The third message says, "Not delivered". The last message says "and your daughter".

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However, the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.

So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?

Artificial Intelligence.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.

Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

What do you call a happy child swinging with her friends at recess?

Not Sally.

One day I was jogging through the park and I saw this lady sitting next to a pond in a wheelchair with no legs and arms and said "Why are you crying" she said she had never been hugged I gave her a hug and jogged away.The next day i saw her again and asked her the same question she said "I've never been kissed" I gave her a kiss and went, The third day i asked her thrice and she said I've never been fucked I picked her up from her wheelchair and throwed her in the pond and said your fucked now She didn't make it:)

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?

An amputation.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and said, "Jill do you wanna?" Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill so now they have a son.

I used to keep asking a woman if I can rape her until she got so annoyed and said, "Stop asking me."

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats," but none of them touch the man's penis and say "well done?"